I like that - I give myself permission to keep liking that

 

PSY made a comeback with SUGA from BTS as a guest producer and feature on the track and..... while the song is an utter bop, it's gotten me thinking deeper thoughts than I was ready for this morning.

PSY's Gangnam Style (강남스타일) came out in 2012 and, in my world at least, it was EVERYWHERE.  The only thing is.... in the communities where I was active, it was only present as the butt of a joke - as something to be mocked, disdained, and made fun of.  This made it hard for me since, I low key found the track to be fun and enjoyable which meant that everywhere I went all my friends, associates, colleagues, etc. were collectively making fun of and disdaining something that gave me enjoyment.  As such, I developed not a small amount of shame over my enjoyment of the song and forced myself to push it away.

I can mentally see the expressions of shock on the faces of many of you as I see you reading this.  I know that I have a reputation now a days of being the type of person who is not ashamed of my hobbies, my music, or other things that bring me joy.  I've gained the reputation of being someone who doesn't really care what others think of my likes or dislikes.  The thing is, it took me a LOT of work to get to where I am now in how much I can ignore nay-sayers and those who put down those things that bring me joy.

Listening to THAT THAT (the new PSY song), I heard my inner voice declaring "This time I'm not going to let other people shame me away from liking this absurd song!".  Yes, I recognize that the song is UTTERLY ABSURD - but for me, that's part of the beauty of it.  It encapsulates for me the attitude of so many people as we come out of our COVID isolations and encounter others for the first time in a long while - we are overly excited to see people, but we've been so alone for so long that we've just... forgotten how to tone down our personal absurdities.  So many of us are just exploding out into public spaces with our new interests and fixations overly eager to find others who made the same discoveries.  That having been said, hearing my inner voice try to hype myself up to have the courage to stand against haters enough to not give up this new song, it made me sad.  The inner voice was a reflex - an admonishment to myself on a behavior so ingrained that my subconscious just expects it to happen. I expect myself to give up silly things just because I know other people will find them disdainful.  That was a jarring revelation and it made me start to think of things I had given up because others, whose opinions mattered to me, had made less of something.

All the way back in 2001, my best friend and my roommate were getting into LARP (stay with me, this tangent will bring us back to the point, I swear).  More than that, both of them were trying to get ME into LARP as well, saying that they thought I would really enjoy it and have fun with them.  I was BEYOND hesitant to try it out - for one reason and one reason only.  My boyfriend at the time had made a comment on how he found LARPers to be the lowest of the low on the nerd scale.  He said that he enjoyed D&D, but would NEVER consider sinking so low as to LARP because LARPing was for losers.  Because of those off handed comments of his, I was afraid to even try LARPing.  I was afraid that if I found it fun, he would think less of me.  I let that fear keep me away from trying LARP for far too long.  In the end, my friends whittled down my resistance, and got me to that first LARP where I had an ABSOLUTE BLAST.  Honestly, it was such a fun night that I still remember much of it all these years later.  Still, it wasn't until I had broken up with that boyfriend that I really allowed myself to go all in when it came to LARPing.  His attitude towards the hobby kept me from giving it my all for several years. 

Through the lenses of hindsight, I can see that LARP wasn't the only thing in my life that suffered because of the attitudes of others.  I could have applied myself with much greater vigor when I was in those beginning stages of post college theatre.  There were community theatres I could have been active with that I never truly explored because important family and close friends all had the tendency to ask me questions like "How long are you going to play in the theatre before getting a real job?" or "So what exactly is that Theatre degree of yours going to be good for?".  I'm sure they thought they were being helpful by pointing out a difficult truth or giving me a "reality check", but all these years later there is a part of me that wonders if I couldn't have gotten further if I hadn't let those voices kill my desire to try to make it work.  They didn't mean it to be discouraging, but none the less, the way the questions were asked made me feel as though "playing" in the theatre wasn't a "real job" or a "real" choice for what to do with my life.  I'm a fat girl, and fat girls don't get far in the theatrical world - but somehow, the public consensuses seemed to be that since I wasn't going to be able to be a star that it was a waste of my time and I should grow up and start looking for a career.

Well - here I am over 40 and I still don't have a career.  

I have a job.  I've been working part time for the same company now for several years and I own my own side business as well.  I'm not rolling in the money, but I recognize that I'm far better off than many.  Still, do I LOVE my work?  No.  Do I find it enjoyable and fun?  Nope.  Not even a little bit - but it's also not painful.  I work at a company with ethics whose mission statement and business practices I can support, I have managers I can communicate well with, and I don't have any beef with anyone in the office.  I think these days, that's considered a pretty great gig.  I'm content where I am with work...... but it's not a career, and it's not doing anything that I love or enjoy.  I loved doing theatre.  I loved making music.  I loved writing stories.  I hated the constant weight of those around me telling me that I would never be good enough to support myself doing those things that I love doing.  I hate that I let their voices of discouragement push me so far away from the things that made me happy.

That boyfriend I mentioned earlier?  I broke up with him in 2004 and when I broke up with him I told him "You have room in your life for me, but you don't have room in your life for my life."  I remember the phrase SOOO clearly, because it was one of those rare moments in life where I managed to find EXACTLY the words I needed to fully express myself.  That moment, the moment I said those words, was the moment where I realized how utterly true it was.  He had time for me, and my visits - but he had neither the time nor the interest to make space for my hobbies, my friends, or indeed any interests I had that didn't overlap with his own.  Now, don't go thinking that this is meant to bash the poor man, it's not.  He was, and still is a good guy.  We were together for 8.5 years and I have no regrets about spending that much of my life with him.  In the end though, we grew in different directions and couldn't find ways to communicate with each other anymore.  It was best for both of us to go our separate ways.  I couldn't take the pressure of how much of my life and interests he was disdainful of, and I couldn't even figure out how to talk to him about the problem.  It was easier to make a clean break.  That break, that moment, those words I said to him - that was a turning point for me.  That was when I gave permission to myself to make choices for myself that weren't what other people wanted of me.  He wanted to stay together - but I stayed firm and walked away and made room in my life for my own happiness that wasn't dependent on the approval or judgement of anyone but myself.

It's taken me nearly two decades to get from that breakup epiphany moment to where I am today in how I deal with the things that bring me joy.  I still have friends who I won't talk to about K-Pop or my K-Dramas because I know that they will belittle those interests as frivolous.  But I don't let their opinions take the joy away from me anymore.  I don't let their disdain give me guilt over liking what I like.... but this morning, I realized that it's not as effortless as I would like it to be.  It's still hard work to let myself enjoy silly things or things that the mainstream still dubs nerdy or fringe.  It's getting easier, but the struggle is still there.  The little voice in my head still has to tell me that it's ok to post k-pop videos on my facebook, that I'm allowed to like music and art that others don't think worth their time.  I have to give myself permission to like what I like.  Like PSY's new song this morning.  I recognized how absurd it was, immediately knew others would be disdainful of it simply because it's from PSY and he will always be the Gangnam Style guy that they all made fun of so many years ago, and in that recognition moment I had to actively give myself permission to like the new song.  So, I like it.  I allow myself to like it - and I think that's a big improvement from what I did with PSY's music back in 2012.  

Now that I've given myself the day to digest the deep think thoughts the silly song stirred in me, expect for me to be blaring said silly song in my car all the way into summer because SUGA's rap along with PSY's chorus just hits me.

That, that, I like that
It's like that

I've gotten better at taking punches, those who tried hit me with words must feel uncomfortable

Those who prayed for me to fail as you wished
Gather them together and smack them lightly
That's enough, go-oh-oh-oh
Just shut up and let's play

Do what you wanna (Ah-yeah-yeah)
Say what you wanna (Ah-yeah-yeah)
Do what you wanna (Say what?)
That, that, I like that, babe
That, that, I like that